Regret, Not Vengeance

Earlier today, I looked up some of the imagery in Iraq for some of the places that I’ve been and previously wrote about in this blog: Mosul, Tal Afar, Tikrit, Samarra…

The last two look normal. Tikrit appears to have been merely left to return to the elemental states of the region: neglect and fading purpose… the golden dome and minarets of Samarra’s al-Askari mosque seemed to be repaired after the bombings in 2006 and 2007…

My time in Tal Afar was limited to site visits – the longest being about three days, so there wasn’t much connection or familarity with that airfield. Despite this, I was amazed at the progressive construction of what appears to be defensive positions where aircraft were once parked…

Mosul… Mosul is a fucking mess. Big trenches dug across the runways and taxiways. The tower we called home and “Operations” has been completely demolished. All the hard structures previously constructed and used by the Iraqi Army or Air Force that were progressively improved upon as they changed hands every year or 15 months… those were bulldozed into chalky stains on the concrete and dirt.

I’m typically not a very hateful person; in looking at these images of these areas where we provide Medevac duties for civilians and military alike, I am just purely disgusted at the ideology which thought it justified to demolish an airport that can continue to provide for the city and the people within it. Humanitarian aid, relief, supplies, all of it denied because of what?

Perhaps it was because the ideology of hate is that of an ideology of scorched earth absolutism – our way or no way.

Regardless, I think what it truly does is it poisons the well of good faith. Would I – if I were younger and not as achy – devote another year of my life to help these people in light of what I know now? Would I be okay with my son going and doing the same thing? The answer for Iraq and Afghanistan due to our wonderful foreign policy, is “hell no.” However, foreign policy support was never my own motivation for going – it was my commitment to the people I flew with… those I liked and those I wanted to throat punch on more than once occasion.  

But now the other question is: would anyone else want to help people who won’t help themselves? This is kind of a brutal observation, but this is also one that I’ve maintained for a long time – that the [BANGS DESK] people of Iraq should have been the ones to do anything about Saddam – not us. When you do things for other people that might not be appreciated the way that you expect, then whose fault is it if you’re dissillusioned and disappointed afterwards when things don’t go your way?

Much of that rant was festering all day. This time, I can point to three distinct triggers which initiated the frustrated monologue to Dave, another which reminded me to write these down a bit more, and the final one I experienced not too long ago which put things into some semblance of perspective.

The first got me wondering why Iraq never enjoyed the same financial benefits of its southern neighbors and learning about the diplomacy of dams:

Trying to discern one specific event or action which start the issues in Mesopotamia and later, Iraq, is like trying to trace the origin of one drop of water – it is a messy and chaotic investigation of definitions, intentions, and detail which would consume post after post in discussion…

The reminder came from one of my local favorites:

“It’s important to not lose YOUR voice. Meaning…in today’s internet where you make things and you put them on the internet, it’s easy to forget who you are.” @ 00:34-00:38

Noted… and one of the reasons why I haven’t taken too strongly to the idea of transitioning this blog over to video or audio – these are the things I make, these words, sentences, and paragraphs… and I make them how I feel is best – at the moment. Perhaps I might tweak the formatting to make accessibility to conceptual threads a bit smoother… but I am not driven by the views and subscriptions. I am compelled by the desire to get ideas out of my head so that there’s room for other ideas.

The final tipping point happened as I was looking up the al-Askari mosque and caught a pair of interesting quotes in the narration for The Golden Dome – Destruction of The Shrine of Samarra:

“From hatred comes violence, and from violence comes chaos.” @21:33

“Violence in the name of vengeance completes the plans of those who would seek to divide us.” @22:01

Sound familiar?

Regret, not vengeance is what I felt today. Not regret for my role in these events, the 25 months I spent in Iraq, or for anything but one simple thing: for the missed opportunity… the missed potential… the intentional sabotage of any international cooperation or assistance… and the chance for Iraqis to get their shit together for once and for all…

[sigh]

A distant and familiar sadness calls to us

As if carried on the wind, like burning sand

Brothers and Sisters, away, you endure

Stranded on our own land

A memory etched into soul and skin

Leaves a scar that never heals

Our family is strong, but scattered

Across the stars and fields

We will not abandon you

We will not forget you

We will return for you