Silence and Directed Parenting

Over the lifespan of this blog, I have often alluded to the idea that my motivation here is to leave a sort of written legacy for my kids – a sort of ongoing exercise in documentation for posterity.

In thinking about my new trend of monthly posts, I have come to realize that much of the context for what I write has been missing; that it is assumed that the audience – intended or not – understands the factors which have compelled me to write about the events which inspire some posts.

For that, I can only shrug and have the hopes that any gaps can be effectively extrapolated upon while noting that some level of context might be needed as the datum point gets farther away and more data completes the partial knowledge of the present.

2020 can best be best described with my favorite phrase: a monkey shit fight at the zoo – only in slow motion. Impeachment, pandemic, social unrest, paranoia, blame-throwing… As much as I wanted to write, I would frequently get as far as a few paragraphs into my thoughts on it before either deleting the document or leaving it for later… “when things slow down.”

Ha.

Well, they haven’t… and I have a hard time seeing how they could or will.

…And there is still so much to say, but no clear starting point.

A scratched out note from the other day got the ball rolling:

I’m silent so I can watch…

…So I can have access to your echo chambers…

…So I can understand how, if not why, things continue to spiral…

…So I develop a better understanding of how I can fix my immediate world.

I’ve been silent on a lot of things on Facebook. At times, it would seem like I’m reluctant to engage out of fear. This is not the case. Being quiet has afforded me the ability to remain unnoticed, politically. As a result, I haven’t been unfriended or blocked from the extreme ends of either end of the political spectrum. I get to see what goes on in their echo chambers. I get to follow their discussion threads. I get more ideas. Not on how to solve the world’s problems – that’s not my job. Instead, I get an idea of how to shape my kids and better prepare them to be able to deal with the world that they will have to contend with at some point without me.

Of course, this naturally leads one to the inevitable question: “What kind of world will we be leaving our children?”

This is a question that has resonated throughout time and has become more profound as we observe the chaos of the world these days.

Weeks ago, dinner with the Wee Banshee found me maintaining a one-sided conversation about that exact thing. While she munched on pasta and blueberries, I mused about my concerns I have for her and the future when the nebulous idea I have had before coalesced into a firm thought: that it isn’t our place to make sure the world is right for her, but that she is ready for whatever the world tries to throw at her… if I give her the right tools.

I wondered the same thing a decade ago about my son – though most of my actions were not as cohesive in intent as they are today. Yet he is charting his own course and setting out to improve upon the foundations that the collective group have established for him. Yes, there are times when he errs – forgetfulness is an unfortunate and inevitable of being 14 – but, overall, he has a good head on his shoulders and will surprise everyone with his realization of his own potential.

It occurred to me that the biggest issue that some folks have isn’t that they’re worried about the world that their kids will inherit; it’s more of their possible failure as a parent to leave their kids with the ability to deal with any world outside their comfort zones of ideology and expectations.

It is easy to sit back and view the events at arm’s length and tsk-tsk in disapproval… but how did the entitlement and self-centeredness come to be? How did confirmation bias become the norm – where we are attentive to only that which is agreeable and aggressive in our disapproval of that which we don’t fully understand?

The truth is never simple; in this case, however, it is far from complex: we have always done this.

Human society has always resisted change, dehumanized the “other,” and fought to persevere in the face of challenges of our own construction.

Yet, and I have firmly stated this previously, we have found some way to keep moving forward – past the times of challenge… past the immediate pain… and we have progressively gotten better as we move along in some disjointed and unchoreographed dance into the present and beyond.

People seem to think that the easy way to fix things is to address the institution – to either burn it down to the ground and start over or legislate our way into the utopia of unrealistic bliss. However, the reality is that you have to fix the foundation – you have to fix the people that make up the institution. You cannot expect education to be fixed if you enact changes for those in their senior year, just like you cannot analyze an engineering catastrophe without collecting data; true improvement is an extremely slow and deliberate process.

Are we broken as a society?

I would not be a self-described “vicious optimist” if I thought so.

Yes, we have our considerable challenges before us – sins of the distant past, sins of the recent years, and the continuation of those violations of our own potential by our dogged belief that our perspective is the correct one over those who are easily demonized as “other.”   

Walter Lippmann saw this back in 1921 when he wrote Public Opinion:

The way in which the world is imagined determines at any particular moment what men will do. It does not determine what they will achieve. It determines their effort, their feelings, their hopes, not their accomplishments and results.

I’m silent on a lot of issues because I am trying to learn how to take this moment and use it to shape my kids – and those around me, hopefully – into being better equipped to handle whatever the next moment will bring.

Is it disconcerting and downright creepifyin’?

Yep… but comfort is the asphyxiating blanket of terminal stagnation… and we are so much better than that; challenge is where we have always thrived.

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[Update 30Aug2020]

A friend asked a couple of good questions in relation to this post and the responses which resulted were too good not to include here…

What does make me curious is why these groups always seem to be so polarizing? Like you don’t see a moderate echo chamber. It seems the farther outliers on both sides are the most vocal and common.

They exist… to a certain extent.

You are right – to a certain extent that the left is much more vocal about every perceived slight, where the right isn’t as easily offended… There are exceptions – absolutes, when it comes to ideology are never simple. At the same time, the silence is (in my estimation and experience) the result of being shouted down due to the assignment of intent where there isn’t or the misunderstanding due to expectations.

Why is it polarizing?
With the ease of global communication due to social media, it is easy to see a bit of correlation between extremism and involvement in digital communications. Before, it was easier to be moderate because the information gatekeepers such as the media had to appeal to a wider audience – a lack of options forced a dilution of message. Now? One can find and read any and every news article, blog post, or whatever that they are comfortable with… not a fun exercise for the curious… but it is much easier than going to the library or attending a meeting.

How do we teach our kids to be able to recognize it all and make good choices and be critical of what they see and read and hear?

I hope I have done a good job by admitting my own limitations of understanding or biases on controversial topics. Parental authority during the formative years can be absolute; while I’m not implying that saying “I could be wrong” all the time is a good idea – it would actually be counterproductive – as they get older, being deliberate in discussing the ideas of “truth” in terms of perception or biases is key.

One of the things I used to do with my son about five years ago was come up with oddly humorous, but extreme and believable explanations – “Atlantic green peppers” for example. By intentionally creating something which would make him skeptical while making it funny allowed me to easily segue into the issue of authority and the responsibility to research independently.

The indication that I might have done right by him is when he asks for my references nowadays. At the same time, I have played “Devil’s Advocate” to his ideas and forced him to support his stance AND deal with his own emotional reaction to being accused of having the wrong idea. Finally, I have always been receptive and supportive to what he offers and I have reinforced the fact that not everyone has the same experiences and ability to be as receptive to his own perspectives on something.