Irritation Airport

My frequent travels find me pondering how air travel could be made so frustrating that it transcends irritation and enters the plane of surreal humor. The following is a compilation of thoughts and ideas I have posted to Facebook over the last three years, trying “get through” security with my manhood, virtue, sanity, and no-no parts unmolested, and arrive at my destination without Federal charges being brought up against my antics…

11Mar15

So, you get through security at the airport and this is the book they have on display?
Have a nice flight, hm?

17Aug16

If you see me smiling in the airport, it isn’t because I am sociable, friendly, and an overall positive person who sees the potential for greatness in each and every day…
Ha.
No.
It is because I am imagining coming out of the bathroom with melted chocolate on my hands, sniffing it, and tasting it… all to see how many people I can make hurl.

Perhaps THEN, and only then… will people figure out that they need to wash their damn hands before leaving the bathroom.

Also along this thread, I would make the hallways for the bathrooms unrealistically long to push the boundaries of civilized human decency and the capacity for bladder and bowel alike… Long enough to see the corner and justify holding it just a little bit longer… only to have another, slightly shorter, corridor before them when they made the turn.

18Mar17

Reasons why I don’t work in airport management:
The “plane train” would have doors that snap shut, 0.6 seconds before the thing gets launched to the next station… the stop would be abrupt, yet short of the station…with a creeping fast/slow rate for the last 40 feet…
Also, the stops would be in random order – gates A, F, B…then back to F for five minutes…ect…
The handrails for the escalators would be too fast on one side and too slow on the other (pretty sure people would not let go and fall over)…
Yeah… the Mike-designed airport would be hilarious…

24Dec17

Reason #2003 why I don’t work at airports:
I would have the gate agents greet people coming off the jetway welcoming the jet lagged to random cities.

Gate agent [In Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, Atlanta]: “Welcome to Cleveland!”

Passsenger: “…What?”

Gate agent [chipper]: “It is now a quarter to eight in the evening, Eastern Standard Time. Please make sure that you check the displays for your connecting flight information.”

(Of course, this runs parallel to my idea of collecting various “Welcome to ___ State” signs and relocating them to desolate stretches of interstates at 3am.)

5Jan2018

“Irritation Airport” ideas, continued…
The announcements would either be extremely abbreviated and angry or Southern, descriptive, and inordinately long:

“This here is the F gate, y’all… T’aint E….or D… wait… do we have a G? Used ta… back when Cletus got his mullet stuck in the escalator… or was it the elevator… back in ’84… or ’85, I think… Anyways… dang… missed the gate. We’ll get around to her again… this is kinda like a slow Talladega….”

7Jan18

Pretty sure I frequently get stuck behind this guy’s relatives at the airport… and at the store… and on sidewalks…

“Oh, Betty…? [veering off to the left] I think our turn is here on the right…”

I seem to encounter this type of person at the end of the jetway, and my immediate reaction is the thought of NHL body-checking them out of my way. Manners and the aforementioned charges keep these thoughts from manifesting into rude actions, however.

9Jan18

To be played in my airport… specifically, the bathrooms… Either quietly enough just to be heard or bar-volume-with-crappy-speakers level.

Reason #2002 why I don’t work at airports:
Those mazes before TSA checkpoints? Yeah, I would have those things in the longest and most random arrangements. With dead-ends or circular nonsense.
Much like having the “Plane Train” going at random speeds to random stops, I would have people so irritated they would prefer to walk cross-country.