How did you manage to say goodbye to your children and partner, knowing you might not come back (soldiers deployment)?

Posted 15Aug2017.

You went.

You hoped you would return in one piece and mobile.

You wondered.

It sucked.

Three deployments, for the Army, meant six “goodbyes” due to the mid-tour leave you could take. My first deployment to Afghanistan was… surreal when I first left, but absolutely disturbing when I was leaving after two weeks back in Hawaii. Shortly before departing back to Afghanistan, I went to go visit one of our units’ pilots at Tripler – he was on the bird that crashed 12 August 2004. We talked about Dan, the crewchief that was killed in the crash, and the conversation was as light as possible out my concern for his recovery and his concern for my impending return. Sitting at the gate with my then-wife on the night I left, we didn’t say much – just watched the only other Soldier talk quietly with his wife. I noticed his name, Thibodeaux, and it was this unique name I was saddened to read as killed in action less than a month later.

Only once did I ever experience anything other than the rushed daze of catching flights back. I was leaning on the glass rail on the second-floor USO office at Hartsfield-Jackson in Atlanta, overlooking the Atrium. The wonderful volunteers from the USO were escorting a group of soldiers to their gate and trying to rouse applause from the disinterested and tired civilians scattered about, yet the only expression that I could see was irritation at the fact that their phone conversations were being interrupted at the commotion for the folks in uniform. Questions began to form in my mind: “Why am I the one who has to keep leaving? What is so important about your job and life that I have to keep doing this shit??” I fumed only for a little bit. There was no point in getting angry – that mindset would be counterproductive to what I had to return to and what I hold dear. Ever since then, I harbor no ill-will towards anyone who hasn’t had to go share my experiences, but I will be the first one to chastise the “fad of patriotism/anti-patriotism” that comes and goes on a frequent basis.

You went, wondered, and the process sucked… then you came back.